Three Steps
  To Heal A Painful Relationship 

  By Carol Reynolds

Three, only three, that’s right but three big ones.

Sara stood and watched as Dennis stormed out the door. It was over money again. Why couldn’t he provide for her and why did she have to be the responsible breadwinner.

Dennis was fuming as he drove to work; Sara was always criticizing him, just when he needed to feel good about himself for an interview.

Sara and Dennis are not alone, more and more couples are facing conflicts that they do not know how to deal with effectively.

The first step is to let go of whatever picture you have about the way things should be. Sara could be saying, "There I go blaming Dennis for my fear. That is exactly what my mother did."

Dennis could be asking himself, "Why am I resisting Sara’s advice and thinking of it as criticism? Oh, because Dad always put me down." Chances are that you are reading this article, because you want something better in your life. You got yourself into this and you can get yourself out.

First ask yourself a very important question. Do I want to heal my relationships? Why should it be up to me? What about them? That is the normal thinking today. They did it to me. They cheated, they lied, they made me angry, they hurt me, they left me, they betrayed me, they…they…they! No matter what has happened, you are accountable for your life. Even if the other person has been unfaithful, bitter, unloving or unkind. You have a lot more power in this situation than you think you do. Once you discover your role in the conflict, you can do something about it.

Unfortunately, we seldom notice that we have anything to do with what is happening. We are too busy blaming or feeling victimized. All we can see is how the other person treats us.

So the first step is to see things in a different way. The question to ask yourself is, "What is this about for me?"

We feel the need to control people or push harder, rather than seek to understand exactly what is happening and making inner changes. It feels more ‘natural’ to fight, resist, blame, or even react, than to see the perfection in something that is the opposite of what you had pictured it to be. This is particularly true in relationships.

Second, step in to go inside and work on you and third step is to change your mind. STEP TWO Work on you. When you fight and resist the way your life is, or even the way people are behaving, you create a state of fear and upset that almost always makes your situation worse. You try to change or control other people rather than deal with yourself and your incompletions. Remember the purpose of life is not survival but to become complete in all areas of your life.

Upsets cause you to close down inside. To actually observe this in your life, select a recent upset. Now notice what would happen to the upset if you were at peace with what happened. There would be no upset or the feeling of crisis or drama. When we try to control things we create drama. When we look inside and experience the feeling and hurt we can let it go. When we completely feel the experiences from the past they are gone.

The moment you take away the fighting and resisting, upset disappears.

Essential to this process is to confront your victim thinking. Watch out for thoughts like:

•  They are doing it to me. 
•  They are making me feel… something. 
•  They are to blame. 
•  If they had done _______I would not be feeling this way. 
•  There is nothing I can do. 
•  I’ll just dump them because they are the problem.

Let go of your demands and expectations about how your life "should be" and make peace with the way your life is, right now.

Trust no matter what happens, you will be okay. I call this trusting the process of life. Now this doesn’t always mean life will turn out the way you want it to. Life often doesn’t. It’s a declaration. "I will be okay no matter what happens. I trust, just because I say so."

Remember that you really will be happy, no matter what happens. Happiness is a product of your commitment. Life is only threatening when you resist. So stop resisting and trust. Trust that no matter what happens, you will create happiness. You really can change your mind. Ask yourself every time you are upset, how can I see the love in this person, situation or challenge.

Carol Reynolds is a daily host on KLAV radio at 700am on 1230AM on the radio dial. As an international professional speaker, author of, "Journey To Love" and presenter of the Vision Seminar monthly in Las Vegas, she empowers people to have more love and success in their lives. http://www.carolreynolds.com. For info. call 702-592-0439