by Sulana Stone

You finally make a friend or get a hot date with some-one you’re attracted to—then blow it by acting aloof or not being yourself.

Have you ever had the experience of deciding to take a certain action, but end up doing something quite different? Why? Often our actions are being run by decisions we made as a kid. Decisions that went on automatic, and now, affect us unconsciously. Decisions that are controlling our actions in the present moment without us being aware of them.

As we grew up, we developed strategies to survive at home and school. We wanted our parents’ love and attention and a safe place to live. We wanted to belong, get asked to the prom, and pass exams—while not getting beaten up by the school bully or humiliated by gossip.

We decided to act in certain ways to keep ourselves as socially acceptable and secure as possible. These tactics kept us alive. Perhaps a bit bruised, but breathing!

ONCE A FRIEND—NOW A FOE

Are you still using some of the same behavioral strategies to get what you want as an adult that you used in your youth?

Playing naïve. Being passive-aggressive. Manipulative. Moody. Sarcastic. Confused. Spacey. Overly sexy. Other kid tactics Pouting. Flirting. Whining. Complaining. Hiding. Running away. Giving up. Fantasizing. Acting dumb. Having accidents. Getting sick. Playing tough. Acting the fool. Telling white lies. Acting like a victim. Pretending you’re someone you’re not.

Do these tactics work currently in your adult life to create what you really want—loving mutual relationships, lasting support from people and the universe, vibrant health, boundless energy, real joy? Usually not!

Since the circumstances and nature of our adult challenges have changed dramatically since we were young, most kid strategies are no longer appropriate or effective. In fact, these old tactics now get in the way of reaching our goals.

WHY DON’T CHILDHOOD SUCCESSES WORK FOR ADULTS?

Because any behavior that is unconscious and automatic can’t adjust to new, different and changing situations. As adults, we still seek to be liked, to be included, and to make the grade at work. But instead of applying fresh intuitive responses that are appropriate to the current challenges, we are on autopilot—unconsciously controlled by the programmed decisions we made to deal with the trauma and drama of our childhood. Here’s an example: