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Let Go of Controlling Perfectionism
by Crystal Andrus,
(excerpted from Simply…Woman!)
GETTING OUT OF THE CYCLE
One way to break the cycle is by cultivating joy. Joy is different from happiness: Joy is something you are; happiness is something you search for. Happiness comes from external events or experiences; therefore, you have little control over it. In other words, you can have it swept right out from under your feet. For example, “After my boyfriend dumped me, I was so devastated I gained 50 pounds,” or “I’m upset every time I leave my parents’ house because I feel I never can do anything right in their eyes.”
Joy can’t be bought or sold, and absolutely can’t be found in a pound of chocolate or tub of ice cream. It doesn’t come from someone telling you that you’re wonderful or beautiful—it comes from within. It arises when you live in the moment, appreciate the simple things, give thanks for your blessings, and have faith during the bad times. It stems from facing your fears and relinquishing control.
I know how difficult this is to achieve all the time, and I’m sure even the most serene people must occasionally feel anxious when life throws them a curveball, but these people have also mastered accepting those things they can’t control or fix. Their internal dialogue continually reinforces that they like who they are, and as long as they stay true to themselves, they’ll always be okay. This is authentic power, and it opens the door to joy.
Joy comes from self-love—not looking good for others, making lots of money, or having a perfect body. Self-love comes from acceptance, forgiveness, and faith. It’s having faith that, without question, you alone are enough, you’re worthy of love, and you’ll be fine with whatever comes your way.
Young children have an inborn faith. They don’t question whether things will work out; they know exactly what they want, who they are, and what they like. They never question themselves, or doubt that their parents love them. Have you ever seen a two-year-old having a temper tantrum? He doesn’t care who’s watching! It’s poor Mom standing in the grocery store who’s embarrassed and worried that people think she’s a bad mother. Kids know exactly what they think: No one can tell them their pink polka-dot shirt doesn’t match their blue striped skirt, and they don’t worry about the designer label inside their jacket or even if their hair is combed. Children haven’t yet learned to deny their feelings or numb them with one of society’s coping mechanisms. At least, I’ve never heard of a three-year-old who needs a rum and Coke to calm her nerves or a chocolate bar for stress!
The abundance of energy most kids have is natural and normal. They love to move their bodies, running, jumping, swinging, and climbing… feeling alive. But instead, we teach them to sit in front of the TV for hours while we complain about exercise and how much we hate our bodies. They learn these lessons very young—and we learned them, too. It happened just around the time we began searching for acceptance and approval.
We stopped listening to our bodies and doing what we loved around the time we hit puberty. We were growing into women, and the messages we heard from our parents and society were becoming a part our internal dialogue. As we grew, these attitudes intensified, and soon our self-worth was determined by external approval: the size of our bank account, home, or hips; or how popular we were. Still, we search for happiness from these things, oblivious to the fact it can never come from someone or something outside ourselves. We’re constantly tempted by distractions of the world as we struggle for validation and approval.
Feeling the pain or stress of difficult times can be very hard, but it’s the most important lesson you can learn. Of course, it sounds easier said than done, but you must accept that tough times are a part of life. Every-body’s on a roller-coaster ride, hoping to be up more than down. Tough times can be really hard, but they won’t last forever, and eating a whole bag of potato chips will only make you feel worse. So know that every time you overcome your natural desire to reach for your learned coping mechanism (such as food), you become stronger in all ways: emotionally, physically, and mentally. Each time you discover why you’re responding defensively, sensitively, or aggressively, you’ll find yourself spending less and less time in the valleys, because you’ve learned how to pick yourself up and listen to your body’s true needs. You’ll respect and nurture yourself with love, refusing to find comfort in mashed potatoes or cookies. Very soon, you’ll climb those mountains of life faster and easier, and you’ll realize food no longer has a hold over you.
Crystal Andrus is author of the best-selling book, Simply...Woman! The 12 Week BODY-MIND-SOUL Total Transformation Program and the leading authority on balancing a woman’s work, family and personal well-being. Crystal believes that when you learn to intuitively follow the path that is right for your life, everything else will fall perfectly into place.
Visit www.crystalandrus.com
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